


Dream to Remember (夢は覚えて)

by najaeri



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternative Lifestyles, Alternative Perspective, Angst, Angst and Drama, Break Up, Drama, Dreams, M/M, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Romance, Romance and Drama, Sad, romance and angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/najaeri/pseuds/najaeri
Summary: Even when I tried to walk away from you, another part of me seems to go back to you. I know that you forgot what we felt. But remember, at that time it was only you and me. As I'm telling you this, I feel like snow in the middle of the street, because memories of you flow. And in the silence, I remember that sighs are melodies made of glass and when touched, will collapse. You could survive without me; you were leaving even if I told you to stay with me. I couldn't stop you; my love was not strong enough to stop you. Now let me wet my heart with tears, so I can finally let you go because as time goes by, you never returned to me again...
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Minhyuk
Kudos: 2





	Dream to Remember (夢は覚えて)

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was posted in AFF as a YooMin (Yoochun x Changmin). In AO3, it will be ChangHyuk (I.M./Changkyun x Minhyuk). All copyrights to me. Thank you!

The clouds were mad… or maybe sad, as they were fully attacking everything; even the sky. From them, only heavy snow was coming out; nothing more, nothing else. The wind was icy, biting, and lonely. It was almost impossible to come outside that night. Even some of the lamp posts weren’t working, and those who were, the illumination wasn’t reaching its destination.

Nevertheless, he felt like the atmosphere was in agreement with his mood. It was too bad and distressing to be only a coincidence.

With that in mind, he knew it was going to be a dark long night.

Minhyuk rolled the curtain a little bit more to see outside. It was deserted…too deserted for his liking. He felt the solitude increase, so he opted to just put the curtain back in place to later sit down on his bed. He sighed and unfortunately, he heard it too loud in his ears. The loneliness was embracing him too tightly, and he didn’t want it to be that way. But what he could do? He couldn’t do anything.

It was a part of him.

The tall guy let his back hit the bed and looked pointedly to the ceiling. His mind was blank. He didn’t have any thoughts or anything specific to think about. Even his own mind was feeling the solitude surrounding him. It was getting worse with the years, and he knew it will make him insane sooner or later, but it actually was the only thing he had at his side, so he began to accept it, just not completely.

Time passed, and he still didn’t like it that much, but at least it was becoming easier.

Sure he had his friends, and he had Shownu. Without him, he would surely go nuts. Maybe they weren’t the best friends before, but circumstances made them become so and he didn’t reject it at all, because it was meant to be. Fate wanted it to be that way, so he accepted it when it became sure and clear. Shownu did the same, so it was less difficult for both of them.

But it was different. Why he was feeling that alone, that lost, was different. It couldn’t be compared to any of them, because what he was searching for was away; far away. Although Shownu knew and understood it without asking or rejecting him, it wasn’t easy. Even when someone close to you knows partially how you feel, it wasn’t easy to talk to him about it.

Not when he feels the same, or worse. Or so he thinks as an excuse to not tell him anything about his feelings.

He sighed louder this time and he felt his body growing tired. He just closed his eyes, trying to fall in Morpheus’arms, and minutes later, he did. He didn’t sleep that easily, but he was thankful enough that his body gave in easier, so he could sleep without interruption.

Or maybe not.

+++

Minhyuk woke up and found himself on his bed. He arched an eyebrow, clearly annoyed about why he slept so little. He sat down at the edge of the bed and messed up his hair. Another sighed was out from his lips and decided to just go to the kitchen. The angriness turned into hungriness, so it was better to go.

As he was walking, he thought about what to cook. Yes, he now cooks. He had to learn because out of the two of them, he was better at cooking. Shownu was simply a disaster, so if they wanted to survive, he just had to. Even though now Shownu lives quite far from him, they still saw and ate with each other. It wasn’t that often, but they did it.

He was living by himself now, so either way, it was a good idea to learn when he could.

When he was about to arrive, he listened to the door being knocked. He looked at it and later looked at the hour: 3 am.

He made a funny face, thinking at the same time: _‘Is it Shownu, or the manager?’_

Minhyuk changed his footsteps to the door, but stopped before opening, talking to himself again: _‘But if it was one of them, why didn’t they call my cell phone? It was easier anyway.’_

He then took two steps forward. It was weird. Thinking about it, it was really weird. The manager only appeared when it was urgent, and never this late. It was usually before their schedule, which began at 8 am. So he could appear at 6 am, or even 5 am, but 3 am? Never. On the other side, Shownu did sometimes appear at that hour, but it only happened once and it was because he had a high fever. Minhyuk almost killed him for driving to his house in that condition, but it was safer so he didn’t think too much about it and treated him.

There wasn’t a valid reason to have somebody visit him at that hour.

He was thinking about not opening that door. He was seriously thinking about not doing so. Maybe it was a crazy fangirl of the or even a product of his mind. The mind was powerful enough to make you hear, see or feel things when there isn’t anybody around, so he decided to turn around and go where he was planning to in the beginning: to his kitchen.

But there was a knock at the door again, and again, and again.

Minhyuk told himself that the persistent knocks weren’t normal, and they were too clear to be a hallucination. He thought about it a while more and decided that to make sure it wasn’t his mind, he should open the door to clear his doubts so he did it.

The person that was in front of him wasn’t who he expected… At all.

His eyes became bigger and Minhyuk felt his anger rising, and he couldn’t help but clench his fists. Why was that fucker there? In front of him like nothing had happened? Didn’t he have any respect for himself? Or in what it was? He had too many questions surrounding his mind, and his feelings were all over the damn place.

He was about to close the door, when the other put his foot in the middle of it, stopping him from completely closing it.

“I’m going to close it and won’t fucking care if your foot is there,” he said to the other one with an angry voice. He cared, but he wouldn’t admit it.

“You know you care, and you will let me in,” he responded with a clear, but sad voice.

“I stopped caring since you freaking left, so go away, far from me. Go where you always wanted to be,” this time, his angry voice converted into a choking one. He was actually fighting against the tears. Lee Minhyuk, the strongest one out of the seven, now three, was holding back tears.

“You could have been with me if you wanted, but you decided to stick by Shownu’s side,” he said almost screaming; he was now mad at the youngest. As much as Minhyuk was in his right to complain, it wasn’t the moment. Not when he was still outside. His foot was even hurting, but he didn’t mind or care. He took the courage to come here to clarify everything once and for all.

Minhyuk couldn’t hold it anymore and opened the door to let him in. He did it because he didn’t want anybody to know he was there, and because he didn’t want to cause a scandal. It would be better if it was inside his apartment when nobody could hear them and of course, where he could throw the other one out of his window if he wanted.

Because that was something he was planning to do.

The other just entered and took a peek inside. It was dark since the youngest didn’t turn on any lights, but he could see a little bit of everything. He didn’t have the chance to visit since they were separated and Minhyuk sold his old apartment to buy the one he has now. He then decided to look at Minhyuk’s eyes and was clearly surprised by how much he changed after all these years. The youngest was taller and more handsome than when he last saw him. He matured too much for his liking, and his eyes were telling him lots of things he couldn’t figure out, because after all, Minhyuk was good at hiding feelings no matter how much you knew him.

“What are you doing here?” the youngest asked, now with a composed voice. He took that time to calm himself and successfully did it.

“I need to resolve this,” he confessed. “This is hurting me as much as it’s hurting you.”

“I no longer think about you,” Minhyuk said. “So you can really go.”

The oldest looked directly at his eyes, and Minhyuk did the same; trying at the same time to lie.

“If you didn’t think about me every day, and every night, you wouldn’t have reacted to me the way you did. And also, you wouldn’t have been that surprised when you saw me.”

“I was surprised when I saw you. Who wouldn’t? Seeing your ex in front of you is not something pleasant,” the youngest said with sarcasm on his voice as he maintained himself stable. It was something he perfected through the years, and he thanked the Heavens for giving him that strength.

“But you are lying, Lee Minhyuk; you are. You are trying to be calm, but I know what you want to do. You just want to throw me out of the window or punch the hell out of me to later hug me and tell me why I did leave you. Why I did leave you alone. To explain why I left Starship with the others. These are your real thoughts right?”

“I was never that good at knowing your feelings, but I know the way you lie, Minhyuk. I wasn’t your boyfriend for anything. I know you that well.”

Minhyuk felt his fake appearance falling away; directly to the drain. All that the oldest said was the truth. And it hurt him; it hurt him because, after all these years, he couldn’t forget him; he couldn’t get over him. He still loved him very much and each day it increased. Even after he told himself the other was a traitor who left him hurting and in charge of a devastated leader, he still loved him. And he will do it until the end of times.

The other was too important to him to forget him. He was his first in everything. His first friend, his first best friend, his first boyfriend, his first official kiss, the first one… he gave his all to, and the other gave the same, or even more. And he just couldn’t let go.

Minhyuk's vision started to get blurry. The other just wanted to hug him, but he couldn’t. He lost that permission long ago.

“I know you think I’m not hurting, but I am. I hurt every day because I think of coming back to you and taking you away. But you always preferred Shownu in everything; you even rejected coming because he was staying, so what could I do? Stay and drown me in jealousy? No, Minhyuk, I couldn’t. It was going to suffocate me, seeing how close you were to him.”

“I know it wasn’t that bad to make me get all jealous over you, but the way you hugged him, the way you looked at him and protected him even when I was there, hurt me. So I left with the others. I couldn’t stand it anymore, Minhyuk; it wasn’t good for me, and I could hurt you, and him. You were my everything, and he was my friend; it was better that way.”

Minhyuk saw the tears of the other face, and couldn’t take it anymore. He felt his own self betray him, as he saw the tears coming out of his eyes.

“Didn’t you think of how I felt, Im Changkyun?” he said to him, interrupting his speech. “Of how devastated I was when I saw you walked away from me? When I saw my best friend Wonho with his head low and Kihyun running away and crying his heart out in the car when he separated from Shownu?”

“And didn’t you think at the same time how much it hurt Shownu to see all of this, too? Out of all of us, he is the most sensible one because he doesn’t know how to express it. He holds so much inside, that he doesn’t know how to tell somebody how he feels, and the only one who stood by his side was me.”

“When all of you prepared the lawsuit, of course, we were going with you. You were my all, Wonho was my best friend and Kihyun was Shownu’s half. But we couldn’t. It was going to be easier if only you five left because you have it all to survive. And Shownu couldn’t leave. Do you know why Shownu couldn’t leave? Because if he left, Kihyun wouldn’t have all the success he has now. The way Kiki is, he would only give his all to Shownu, and Shownu couldn’t stand to see the opportunity the world was giving to Kihyun go down the drain.”

“Shownu knew that Kihyun was going to be better outside and that he was going to be inside the company. He has more opportunities inside than outside, while Kihyun is vice-versa. He let him go for his own good, Channie; the same reason while I let you go no matter how much I didn’t want, to and no matter how much I hate you because you left without thinking of me.”

“Do you imagine Shownu alone, Channie?” he asked him as more tears were forming. “Because I don’t, that’s why I stood by his side, even though I knew I was losing you. And you know? I did all of that to encourage you to leave, and it was a form to tell myself to let you go because it would hurt less.”

“You could survive without me; you were going to leave even if I told you way before I was staying. That’s the way you are, Changkyun.”

“I couldn’t stop you; my love was not strong enough to stop you.”

“Stop,” said Changkyun with a broken voice. “Don’t say that. Because I would indeed have left anyway, I still love you, Min. I still do. That’s why I came because I love you.”

“I love you too, Channie,” he confessed while drying his own tears. “But it’s a different love. You didn’t love me enough to stay; you didn’t love me enough to fight for this and stay together. You preferred your sake instead of mine, and you preferred you over me. And it’s okay because sometimes life is like that.”

“The only thing I regret is that I gave you my all, while you gave so little and even when I knew, I just accepted it. Because I loved you… I love you, Lee Changkyun, and that won’t change.”

Changkyun couldn’t stop himself from hugging him, and Minhyuk responded because after all, this was going to be the last time they will see each other.

“I’m sorry for everything, Min. I’m sorry that you still think that I didn’t love you enough because I did. I loved you more than I loved anybody else. But you are right, even if you told me to stay; I would have told you that I couldn’t. But that doesn’t mean I loved you any less. But I understand so many things now, that I only wish for your happiness; because it will hurt me since I won’t be by your side but you deserve it.”

“You were always the smartest out of us, so you are right. You were always right.”

Minhyuk only closed his eyes: _“You are wrong, Lee_ Changkyun _. I’m not always right, because that is why I didn’t open myself completely to you. You are someone who can read people right away, and I couldn’t allow it, because that would make me miserable, and that would hurt you as well. Even though you won’t ever hear this, I’m telling you this to let you go again. As Shownu told me one day when he found me crying my self out: Changkyun is better out there. And he is with Kihyun; you know how he is along with Wonho. He is fine, he’s with his soulmate; he doesn’t need anything else, and he’s right… You don’t need me,_ _Changkyun_ _; you don’t. No matter how much you say to the contrary, you are fine the way it is. You will be fine without me, and I’m glad because I don’t want to stay by your side if I only bring bad things to you. And know that my happiness is, and will always be you. Your name… yourself is what makes me happy. I will die someday, and I will still think this way. But it wasn’t meant to be, Channie; it wasn’t mean to be in this life and I accept it. After a long time, I accept it. Destiny wanted it to be this way, and I will embrace it. But I love you; I still do and I always will.’_

Changkyun broke the hug and just looked at his eyes one more time. Minhyuk responded with a smiling face and the oldest one felt his heart turning into pieces again. He knew it was a fake smile, and it was hurting him as much as it was hurting himself, but it was done.

“I’m going away, Minhyuk. I hope everything is like you want it to be. I hope you the best, Min…” Changkyun took his hand and kissed it. The eldest smiled a bit more and just nodded.

The youngest released his hand and left the apartment.

Minhyuk collapsed to the floor and began crying his self out. He couldn’t pretend anymore. He took his mask when it was about to drop and lied to Changkyun. He needed to because it was better that way. It was always better that way.

“Changkyun… I love you… I really do…”

+++

Minhyuk woke up and found himself on his bed. He arched an eyebrow, clearly annoyed about why he slept so little. He sat down at the edge of the bed and messed up his hair. Another sighed was out from his lips and decided to just go to the kitchen. The angriness turned into hungriness, so it was better to go. 

As he was walking, he thought about what to cook. Yes, he now cooks. He had to learn because out of the two, he was better at cooking. Shownu was simply a disaster, so if they wanted to survive, he just had to. Even though now Shownu lives quite far from him, they still saw and ate with each other. It wasn’t that often, but they did it.

He was living by himself now, so either way, it was a good idea to learn when he could.

When he was about to arrive, he listened to the door being knocked. He looked at it and later looked at the hour: 3 am

He hesitated for a while, but he knew he had to do it and opened the door.

He knew who it was anyway.

Shownu was smiling at him with a bag full of food. Minhyuk couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. Shownu sometimes was just unexpected. He appeared at most random times, no matter how bad the weather was.

He let the older step inside, and he went straight to the living room to put the food on the table. He arranged everything by himself, as he liked it to be done that way. Minhyuk knew it too, so he didn’t bother to ask if he needed help. When Shownu finished, the younger sat in front of the food and began to stuff himself with it. The leader smiled and sat beside him, eating some of it too.

Minhyuk took a sip of the juice his partner brought and sadly smiled. He remembered what happened, and his heart just couldn’t take it. It was too much to bear for him. As much as he wanted to not worry about the other one, it was impossible to not let it out. It was bigger than himself, bigger than his might. But even after knowing it, he was trying to hold back the tears. The older saw all of his movements, and he instantly knew what had happened.

Shownu dropped everything and hugged him tightly, and Minhyuk collapsed. He didn’t hold anything anymore and let everything out. He was crying his heart out. And the leader just caressed his back and hair; trying to comfort him as much as he could.

“It’s okay, Min; it was just a dream…”

_The same dream you have every night, where you lie to Changkyun all over again as you did 3 years ago for his and your sake, watching him slipping away from your hands, and from your heart._


End file.
